Professional jealousy

My professional jealousy has almost completely disappeared.

I don't feel in competition with anyone anymore.

It may be that in the past, when I heard about a filmmaker my age releasing a feature, winning an award or succeeding at something, part of me was raw.

Why them and not me? It's unfair, they don't deserve it!

Their film isn't even good!

If the film was really good, that calmed me down a little.

Another part of me was genuinely happy the film existed, and the jealousy faded behind a kind of gratitude.

But most of the time, I thought it was all mush, it all looked the same, and in that shapeless mass, I couldn't see how I'd ever stand out.

Now, I'm doing better.

I've stopped trying to stand out.

What has become really important to me is expressing exactly what I want to express.

And in that game, I'm not competing with anyone.

No one can do what I do.

Nothing can be taken from me.

And above all, I don't need anyone.

Back then, the goal was to find the money.

A producer, grants, a distributor...

All of that meant fitting into a certain mold, being part of a certain world.

And I think that was the hidden goal: being part of a world.

Being recognized by certain people in a certain field.

Existing in the film world.

That ambition is completely gone.

I can't find it anywhere in me anymore.

All I want: to make things.

I can start now, with the friends who are around.

Not to make a demo or a proof of concept to use as a "calling card" later.

No: to do what I love. Right now.

For me and for whoever likes it.

"But some films need money! That's why you have to go through the gatekeepers."

I've realized they don't.

What I have to say, if I dig deep enough, never depends on money, on lights, on sets.

I can tell it with what's here. With this prop, with this passerby.

Not only can I, but it's the only way to do it.

Everything else was an illusion from the start.