Are You Doing It for Yourself?
That's the key question, and the trick question.
We feel like we're acting for others, to be kind, to help out, but secretly we're working for ourselves, for our image, for our own satisfaction.
For example: I'm often suspicious of people who are too nice to cashiers.
Saying "thank you, have a nice day," of course. But some people lay it on thick: "Thank you, have a really nice day, ma'am. And hang in there, okay? Hang in there." The cashier nods politely; she didn't ask for that much. And I find it hard to imagine the customer walking out without thinking "I'm a wonderful person. Look how I understand and support the little people."
My theory is that, secretly, this person is doing it for themselves. For their self-esteem.
And that the exchange, being so deeply artificial, hasn't lightened the cashier's load in the slightest.
I realize I do it too, of course.
Under the guise of helping, taking part, informing, I'm actually running PR operations to prove I'm a good guy. So people think well of me.
Am I trying to understand this person to help them, or to show them I understand? Am I telling this story to inform them, or because it makes me look good?
As usual, the goal isn't to change but to notice. Once they're brought to light, these habits fade away.