Are You Doing It for Yourself?

That's the key question and the trick question.

We feel like we're acting for others, to be kind, to help out, but we're secretly working for ourselves, for our image, for our personal satisfaction.

For example: I'm often suspicious of people who are overly nice to cashiers.

Saying "thank you, have a nice day," sure. But some people overdo it: "Thank you, have a wonderful day, ma'am. And above all, hang in there! Hang in there." The cashier nods politely; she didn't ask for all that. And I find it hard to imagine that the customer, on their way out, doesn't think to themselves "I'm a wonderful person. Look at how I understand and support the little workers."

My theory is that, secretly, this person is doing it for themselves. For their self-esteem.

And that the interaction, by its eminently artificial nature, hasn't lightened the cashier's burden one bit.

I realize I do this too, of course.

Under the guise of being helpful, participating, informing, I'm actually running PR campaigns to prove that I'm a good guy. That people think well of me.

Am I trying to understand this person to help them, or to show them that I understand? Am I telling this story to inform them, or because it makes me look good?

As usual, the goal isn't to change but to notice. Once brought to light, these flaws fade away.

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Related:

• The Battle to Exist
• Done with the BS