Maybe not celebrating ugliness, but at least not letting myself get stuck chasing "beauty".
I posted my second poem last night.
For several months now, I've been writing very short poems in English that pile up on my phone.
"Writing" might not be the right word: they just come to me, in English. They're very short, two or three lines.
Then one day, I thought: "why don't I share them?".
It tied in with this idea that I'd like to sell something.
On my personal account, I get a lot of requests for personal coaching, which I turn down. I don't feel I have the legitimacy to coach people on anything other than communication.
But for a long time, I've wanted to sell art.
I'm not legitimate there either. But it bothers me less.
So when I saw I had nearly forty poems, I thought "how could I share this?".
The idea was that I wasn't just going to type them out (I have a typewriter that I use for a few rare letters).
I wanted to add "art". In one form or another.
And for the past two days, I've started posting poems typed on the machine, which I then scribble over with a fountain pen and watercolour.
The first one came out alright: I'd done a little drawing.
But the second one, no.
I thought it was deeply ugly. So much so that I started crumpling it up to throw it away.
Then at the last second, I said: "no". I uncrumpled it.
The point isn't to make something beautiful. It's to make.
If I start asking myself existential questions every time, I'll never do anything.
I've been paralysed by the pursuit of quality before. "It's not good enough, it's not beautiful enough."
I redo it until it "clears the bar".
Then I give up.
I realised this physically as I was about to draw.
Because typing the poem out takes time.
Not only do I have to type each letter two or three times so it shows up clearly, but I often redo the whole thing for centring and layout.
So when I pick up my fountain pen to add a layer I won't be able to erase, a small fear sets in.
I have to do it well. I mustn't ruin it.
Except, no: I absolutely have to ruin it.
I don't want to be afraid.
So for the first two, I made this decision: I'm going to post them as is.
I'm not going to redo them. I'm not going to fall back into some absurd perfectionist quest.
I'm going to post them and move on to the others.
And yes: I'm going to sell them.
I'll soon be offering prints and original sales.
Even if it's scribbling. Even if the paper wasn't made for watercolour and warps.
I stand by it. And I sell it.
And that's that.
PS: Episode 3 of my web series "Panic in Space!" is out today! How do you solve an intergalactic mystery with a hangover? Watch the new episode here →