My professional jealousy has almost entirely disappeared.
I no longer feel in competition with anyone.
It's possible that, in the past, when I heard about a filmmaker my age releasing a feature, winning a prize, or pulling something off, a part of me would sting.
Why them and not me? It's unfair, it's undeserved!
Their film isn't even good!
If the film was really good, it eased me a little.
Another part of me was sincerely happy that the film existed, and the jealousy faded behind a kind of gratitude.
But most of the time, I found everything to be mush, everything looked alike, and in that indistinct mass, I couldn't see how I was going to stand out.
Now, it's better.
I no longer try to stand out.
What's become truly important to me is expressing exactly what I want to express.
And in that game, I'm not competing with anyone.
No one can do what I do.
Nothing can be stolen from me.
And most of all, I don't need anyone.
The goal, back then, was to find the means.
A producer, grants, a distributor...
All of that required fitting into a certain frame, belonging to a certain scene.
And I think that was the hidden objective: belonging to a scene.
Being recognized by certain people in a certain field.
Existing in the world of cinema.
That ambition has completely disappeared.
I can't find it anywhere in me anymore.
My only desire: to make things.
I can start now, with the friends who are here.
Not to make a mockup or a proof of concept that will serve as a "business card" for what comes next.
No: to make something I like. Now.
For me and for those who will like it too.
"But some films require resources! That's why you have to go through the gatekeepers."
I've realized that's not true.
What I have to say, when I dig deep, is never tied to resources, to lighting, to sets.
I can tell it with what's right here. With this napkin, on this table, with this passerby.
Not only can I, but it's the only way to do it.
Everything else was an illusion from the start.