No, this isn't another post about fasting.
It's a reflection on freedom.
This morning, after dropping off my four-and-a-half-year-old son at day camp, I was... tired.
I tried to get the day going as usual, but it wasn't catching.
The journal was empty. Nothing interesting came.
It would have been easy to write a note – I could have picked a random topic from my journal and spun something out of it. But I don't write anymore if nothing comes. I don't want it to become an empty exercise.
So I did nothing.
And the whole day went on like that. Sluggishly.
I still did what I had to do. But creation stayed locked away until late afternoon.
When my son is home, the timing can't be the same. When I try to stick to my usual routine, it doesn't work.
Normally, I start my journal after an hour of meditation and exercise. I'm present. It flows.
When my son is here, I'm 100% with him. Which is a form of presence too, but not the same one.
I'm available for him, at his service. Which makes it easy to move on to obligations (being available for my clients, for accounting). But not to create.
I think my mistake is trying to switch from one to the other too quickly.
In the end, meditation isn't what you do to start the day.
It's what you do to become more present.
So tomorrow, I'm going to try to take a moment after dropping my son off at day camp.
Because I think it's a bit like fasting:
When you're just starting out, the body has no idea what's happening. The liver, the pancreas, the brain, every organ needs a long while to get the machine going.
You're hungry. You feel weak.
But when you fast regularly, everything happens much faster. It's almost invisible.
I think it's the same with freedom.
At first, it used to take me hours, sometimes days, to move from a state of generalized anxiety and urgency to a calm more suited to action. Now, it's often very quick.
But this morning, I didn't even give myself the chance. I didn't allow any transition time.
And every time, I realize that's the most important part.
When doubt or anxiety arises, don't speed up.
Meditate. Come back to presence.
And the next action comes on its own.